Today, at around five o'clock, Mr.Biggleworth passed away at the sunfower vetenary facilty. He was my very special kitty and is sorely missed.

Please rest in peace. Mr. Bigglesworth "bagok bagok" Labes , 2003 - April 30 2008.

Well, i guess it's been forever since i updated this thing, but i can't sleep and now is as good as any time to update. So i guess i'll sum up and then go into a little detail of my current goings-on.

Well, starting from the last post i have had a lot happen, I was going to propose to Amanda when i went out to St.Louis to see her, but it wasn't to be. She ended our relationship and sent my life into a downward spiral of depression. I returned home and imidiatly dove into my work, but it just made things worse. I began to work back to back double shifts, sixteen plus hours a day. I would return home to an empty house, whitch i began to neglect cleaning, piles of bills, and what seemed to be my life crumbling down around my ears, to atempt to sleep a short fitfull six hours before rising again and returning to work like an angry half alive monster. I vaugely rember those few weeks, but i was tired. I had been bottling up all that pain, anger, anguish, and loss and replaceing it with grueling pace at work. I saw no way out and nothing more to work for, dark thoughts becan to creep into my head. I bean to think about ending my life. I was most likely walking around like some half dead monster, lashing out at everything when things came to a head one night at work after a minor altercation with one of the nurses. Six hours later when i returned to work, The Director of Nursing pulled me into her office with a few of the other heads of staff and they had some sort of mini-intervention. It was not very long into their discussion of how concerned they were with client, and my own safety that it was as if a huge wall somewhere within me broke open and all those emotions and feelings i had been repressing broke through and surged their way to the surface. I broke out in tears in front of those women gathered there. It was a gut wrenching feeling, as if i had paid credit on my feelings and the bank just forclosed upon my soul. I really don't rember much of what we discussed after that, however, i was given some time off and it was decided that i needed to seek some help, and my father and Dr.Yoxal were contacted. One of the nurses drove me to the clinic and had a talk with Dr. Yoxal. I was pretty much just wiped out and spent the next few hours crying my eyes out. My mother took me to her house and i spent quite a while in their basement. I must have slept for three days streight i think. However i did wake up and my parents put me to work on the farm. They had me takeing an Anti-depressant and got me doing some chores and projects around the farm that needed done. I slowly began to recover, and i looked back and realised that God had reached down and kept me from doing something monumentaly stupid.

I did end up getting let go from work, whitch sucked, but i had kinda excepted that was going to happen, and i was on meds, and had a lot of support from my parents so i weathered that OK, for the time being. I began to get my life back into order and my head on streight. Jacob finaly decided he had enough of living with his mother and moved in making what used to be my office his bedroom. The job search went on for about two to two and a half months, in a slowly expanding search with a few interviews here and there, but nothing solid. Then out of the blue, i had like four at once, and Good Sams asked me back. I weighed the ups and downs and going bck to work at Good Sams, although a differant shift eventually won out. I was offered the highest rate of pay, and would be able to pick up where i left off and unlike the other places who wer just looking for nurse aids, i would actually (and have been) putting my Medication aid licence to good use. So i have been back working at the Minneapolis Good Samartin Center for just over three months now, and it's going pretty good. I have been able to establish a much better relationship with the residents and staff and am actually enjoying my work. I have sorta fallen back into the bad habit of working a lot, but next month promices to have more days off. at regualr intervals.

Jacob has been a nice help to have around the house, ther are the usual tiffs and minor arguments, as all friends and roomates have, but he is beginning to pull his weight around the house and i think he is finaly starting to get more serious with his job searching.

 I have sadly fallen out if touch with my family the past few weeks, and cannot wait for some time off to catch up.I actually got to have a nice long talk with my younger sister Jenny, tonight after work, but it was stoped short after mom called and reminded her to come home.

Ah well, so i need to get off and stop typeing this and actually go to bed.

more soon, i think.

I feel the darkness in my heart eating away at my soul, it is an emotional pain that manifests it's ugly head in the emptyness that is my chest. Ok, enough Emo crap, needless to say i am disapointed. Amanda called last night and told me she couldn't afford to come out to Kansas today, and i have to work so that means i can't go out there.

This will make the longest i have not seen the woman i love since i first met her. I will go out this next weekend but that will make it a MONTH since i have been with her. I miss that woman so much it's a physical pain in my chest, as if my heart told me to F**k off and left to go try and find her. It's to the point that i hate being away from her so much i am tempted to quit my job, sell my house and move out there. I really cannot stand being away from her.

(sigh) i had all kinds of things planned for today, but i think i will just crawl into bed and sleep untill it's time to go to work. I just feel really depressed.